I’ve been sitting on this icy stone for half an hour watching her swill the endless whisky miniatures, produced from her pocket, around her ulcer pocked mouth. She hisses at the weak sun, and in the cold our breath mingles like clouds colliding before a storm. The sky is barely lit; just a candle covered in dehydrated piss and viewed through a filthy window, but the grass and the sheet metal buildings and the broken down flat fences all feel alive. Even the dead trees kick and stomp under the soil, trying to work their dry roots into the moist holes under the soil.
We’d spent the morning in a burned out car, trying to find the places where our arse bones didn’t pinch on the exposed seat springs, making all the appropriate vrooming noises and twisting wheels both real and imagined. I hadn’t slept in sixteen hours and I’ve seen it all – news footage of melting women, dudes in crystal armour striding through sand, Disney characters sodomising each other with musical notes and treble clefts drifting out of their oversized gaping mouths. Acid is a hell of a drug but it is no substitute for insomnia, carbon monoxide and desperation.
I turn back to those two pinpricks of sheer light, as though God is pacing around inside that beautiful thin cavity flanked by tissue, skin and hair. She smiles something beatific and I don’t care that this burned out husk is staining everything I own and giving me severe asthma. Looking down the patchwork bonnet I see the sun struggling to gain traction, scrabbling to rise and to push through the haze. But I still feel the warmth on my cheekbones. I close my eyes and I see those rays travelling millions of miles to turn my eyelids pink. I feel it on my teeth, as they click and clatter to the cosmic metronome of a chaotic Universe.
When I open my eyes, I come to some fucking hippy realisation about the ongoing transient nature of being – of how there are no endings or beginnings but just the constant force of worlds and stars and comets and particles that cannot stop moving, even when they appear to be standing still. This is not even drug talk, or sleeplessness talk, but an apotheosis. Flanked by rust, dust and ash, and sat next to a drunk angel, I begin to stamp my feet into the ruined carpets pretending that I can still drive this tyreless wreck into the heart of the Sun, where we can disassemble ourselves in the heat and become one single entity, atoms joining in a nuclear fusion where no science can drive us apart.
We leave the car, because I begin to stop breathing. When I tell her she laughs… “You’re beginning to stop doing something?” She helps to carry me across the field to the remains of an old building, now just disfigured lumps of masonry poking out of the grass like broken fingers. It takes me a few moments to collect myself, and I can taste fire and smoke in my throat.
The Sun climbs halfway up the sky, gives up and begins to retreat again. Around us, the thin mist gathers and clings, grabs and devours, and the atoms in my flesh tremble without heat. I lean over and I can smell the whisky on her breath. She’s staring at me dispassionately, her eyelids heavy with drink.
I tell her;
“You are the most important thing to me.”
She sighs, rolls her eyes and responds;
“You always have to ruin things, don’t you…?”