In the wake of a certain celebrity death, many things from my own past were riled up. It sounds stupid to say, especially considering I never met the man. But I did meet a girl once upon a time, and we became fast friends. Four years later, I received a call that changed my entire life trajectory.
That day was ten years ago next March. A decade ago, I saw a closed pine box and knew my friend Michelle was inside of it. I could not see her face, but I knew she was there.
Five years ago, I started what would become FVR. Part of it was to share my work with the world, to find old souls like mine, and to revel in the beauty of their words as I hoped they would dwell on mine.
But part of it was to commemorate my friend, grab life by the balls like she never got to, and be a fierce advocate of mental health and suicide prevention on her behalf.
Today, I fear my day has come, where all the ghosts of my mind have come to claim what is theirs. Not in a way that makes me want to end my life or harm myself, because I know how much there is to live for. But in a way, I have been rocked to my core the last while, not able to sleep or think, eat properly or write, which is soul food in itself.
I fear the only way forward is to seek help. I say fear because there is about twenty years of unresolved mental struggle in my heart and mind with which I can no longer co-exist with.
I was not triggered by a personal inspiration of mine ending his life, but the memory of my friend which has haunted me too long coming back to life.
I am writing this because it’s almost 2 in the morning and poetry no longer quells the revolt inside me. I am writing this because I am exhausted and feel utterly alone, although nothing could be farther from the truth.
But most importantly, I am writing this for all those who think that final solution is the only way out. I would be lying if I said I didn’t contemplate it daily, but somewhere, there has to be a glimmer of hope for you. Another way.
I am writing this to say you are okay, and will be okay. So will I, eventually. If you suffer from the nights like I do, morning will come.
All you need to do is to simply want to see it once more.